Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Anis & Me

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” ~ Anais Nin 

When I read this quote I immediately identified with what she was saying. I was elated someone had eloquently written what was in my heart, my head, my mind, my body. It was as if she was speaking for me. I love every word. As an independent woman, I resist the word "dominate" because I do not want to simply be a man's slave and completely mold myself to his whim and become his puppy dog. I don't want to give him full power over my thoughts, feelings, desires and needs 24/7. To me that is allowing myself to be a "stepford wife" or a "robot" and I'm not cut out to be those things. The idea that I would live only for a man to tell me what to do and when to do it as well as how makes me feel less of a human somehow, and I don't think I was made to do that. I do, however, know I want to be owned. I want to be someone's woman - to be his and his alone, for him to know I want to be a part of his life as well as I want him to be a part of mine. I would not be his property and he would not have full control over every part of me. I have no desire to be a slave, but I do have every desire to feel like I've found the man who I belong to. The man who I know without a doubt I was made to be with, and he feels the same about me. We belong together, with each other and for each other in a sacred yin/yang sort of way. We would be meant to be together. We would both feel it and truly be ready for such a deep profound relationship that is long term.

I want my partner for the rest of my life. I so very much want that. How I've longed to find the man who can understand my desires, my needs and my love. Who is open to receiving all of what I have to give. My heart, passion, friendship, sexuality and gifts I possess. Who wishes to connect with me with full vulnerability, allowing himself to be seen as no one else has seen him before - as well as allowing me to be seen in all that I am and all that I'm not. He would see my beauty in all layers - even those parts he may not be as fond of. We would be able to become closer than either of us had ever been with any of our exes in our lives. We would be able to communicate in a healthy way, assisting each other with challenges along the way. We would support each other and be there for each other. We would play and ensure the other knows how important he/she is to them. No need to hold back what we really want to say because both of us have created a safety zone between the two of us that is fully trusted.

There are no rules, just the ones we make up for ourselves. We support each other fully and completely, even when it gets challenging. We both understand that the other is always changing, always evolving and that's part of the journey. There will constantly be new things to discover about ourselves as well as each other. I have found in my life I have fallen in love with myself over and over by these discoveries and I know it's possible with someone else. Not everything is perfect - but to me perfection exists within the imperfections. It's not good, nor bad - right nor wrong. Just is.

When people can fully accept each other with fully open eyes and able to see the other's full self, beautiful relationships evolve. That's what I wish to have. The man I want in my life is confident and strong, able to swoop me in his arms and show me he's going to protect, care for and love me like I've never experienced before - in a healthy way. He is sensitive and not shy about that. He is able to show me how he feels about me and he isn't just in lust with me. He treats me like a queen and honestly is my king. He wants to fully be a part of my life and have me in his. And sexually... oh sexually I want everything Anais said. I want to be dominated, taken, ravished, devoured by him, when he wishes (which hopefully would coincide with mine - alot :) ). I want to be fully open to him and feel safe he will only bring me pleasure. I want to give to him as his woman, as he wishes, feeling completely free that he does not think less of me when I allow myself to be his slut. His raw sexuality mixes with mine and we have smoldering hot sex that extends beyond the traditional.

He would listen to my deepest darkest ideas, fetishes and desires and wish to make them a reality. If there is something I really wanted that he's not comfortable giving, we would be able to talk about it and come up with something. It would go both ways. We would allow the other to feel free to unleash our sexual selves. All of these things I want. I know it takes time to get there. It doesn't happen overnight. But to me, it is so very worth every second of time getting there :)