tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39041654321826963542024-02-19T08:04:59.773-08:00Thoughtful IntensityUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904165432182696354.post-10871263554828188522016-03-06T22:17:00.001-08:002016-03-06T22:21:41.988-08:00Lifting up<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">This weekend I flew 495 miles south to San Diego, drove 68 miles north to Murrieta to spend a delightful day with two dear friends from college. I would have driven exponentially farther, and flown multiple times that amount to be with these two. These women are some of the most intelligent, warm, open, thoughtful, challenging, successful, witty, beautiful, strong, faithful women I know and I feel incredibly blessed that we have been such friends for the better part of 8 years. When we met, I hadn't a clue that we would become so fabulously close in such a short amount of time. We were tossed together when each of us, coming from our own varied paths in life, joined the class of 2009 Masters of Management program at University of Redlands. Life had led us to that classroom in 2007, and our worlds were so beautifully changed because of that choice. Not just in terms of our own trajectory of our lives (which were astonishingly perfectly steering us to the next phase in our lives) but because the intersection of the three of us was such a catalyst for a deep and meaningful friendship that is stronger today than it has ever been.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">We started our day with a lovely drive to this winery in Temecula Wine Country that my friend is a member of to enjoy a full five tastings of their wine, then a wonderful lunch of grilled chicken and then off to another winery a few miles away for some Sangria. Our conversations canvassed all sorts of topics; men, career, politics, passions, travel, US Citizenship, family, relationships, religion and hobbies to name a few. It was such a blessing to be in the company of such beautiful women who showed up in each and every conversation with full presence and full hearts. Our conversations were thoughtful, enriching and uplifting. The love and full support that I felt from both of them all day and on into the night no matter what we talked about was strong and unwavering - regardless if we disagreed or not. It is truly powerful when people can come together and lift each other up to soar even higher and even brighter. Women do not often experience such full scale support from other women because of a variety of reasons - but when a group like ours comes together, it truly is a magical heart filling experience. We ended our night with our hearts overflowing with love, minds buzzing with a euphoric high of such amazing magnificence, and smiles so big the cheshire cat would be jealous. It was an outstanding lovely experience that I am overjoyed to have been able to have. Worth every second.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcDXn6g4ypcvpAx3208kbmFOQve3hjFcDjRn62ynKVr0Xo0VGOr8Kzl_TcQ9-9C7pfCOppCh-0lqF0ic12cG3kOWzcM6I2CYofIq2JhSiB7yS88D27Pu45AshIdMyc7E1satDf8JXCqOU/s1600/thegirls2016.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="270" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcDXn6g4ypcvpAx3208kbmFOQve3hjFcDjRn62ynKVr0Xo0VGOr8Kzl_TcQ9-9C7pfCOppCh-0lqF0ic12cG3kOWzcM6I2CYofIq2JhSiB7yS88D27Pu45AshIdMyc7E1satDf8JXCqOU/s400/thegirls2016.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904165432182696354.post-47265037001409451342016-02-17T23:38:00.002-08:002016-02-17T23:38:08.671-08:00Single... Taken.... or Something else? Consider this...<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I saw this post today on Facebook and had to write a bit about it. First, let's see the post:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFOacZH_Ha1ia6CX1VzwDRAYVERrp430VxvonBq_tm28F5QN4Fg-cjPRUSnJT6sirlY4CYHWbYu3Wn4yEPgoVBa2d_6ljmhi16yxyyLhddlPgvaI-yEK8gC5IxUPxajKEcxQTjJYDPSJk/s1600/Screen+Shot+2016-02-17+at+11.16.28+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFOacZH_Ha1ia6CX1VzwDRAYVERrp430VxvonBq_tm28F5QN4Fg-cjPRUSnJT6sirlY4CYHWbYu3Wn4yEPgoVBa2d_6ljmhi16yxyyLhddlPgvaI-yEK8gC5IxUPxajKEcxQTjJYDPSJk/s400/Screen+Shot+2016-02-17+at+11.16.28+PM.png" width="336" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This resonated with me because for years after my divorce I had spend doing at lease one of the third option above thinking that #2, 3 and maybe even 5 were needed to fully be completed BEFORE I even thought about getting involved with another person. The thing I was missing in that perception was that there is no 'finish point' with any of the three items I had been holding over my head to complete before declaring myself "ready" for a new relationship. The truth of it is that I will stop finding and healing myself when I pass from this earth, and getting fit is not a finite time bound activity. I was holding myself back from opening to another romantic relationship based on factors that were never going to be achievable. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">You might be thinking "but you DO need to know yourself and you SHOULD be healed before looking for a romantic relationship", and to an extent I agree with you. However, my contention is that we as human beings are always in a state of finding ourselves, as we discover new things about ourselves all the time and healing is a perpetual thing for most people, because even when you think you are healed another trigger happens and you find out that's not the case. I think the real questions you have to ask yourself before moving forward in a new romantic relationship are:</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Have I addressed all the negative contributions I made to my last relationship that resulted the way it did?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Have I forgiven myself for all the things I feel bad about during my last relationship? If not, why not?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Have I recognized my wounds that were there before my last relationship and started to fact them? If not, why not?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Have I forgiven my last partner for his/her negative contributions to the relationship that resulted the way it did?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When I look in the mirror, do I like what I see? If not, why not?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Can I tell someone who I am without using roles and labels?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Have I learned more about what I could do differently in terms of communication and boundaries? Am I ready to practice what I've learned more?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Does my smallest quietest voice say I'm ready to start something new?</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I think if all of these items are really truly truthfully answered you will know whether you are ready for a new relationship or not. It's okay if one or more of these items are not completely 100% done. Addressing them in an honest way and not sideswiping them to the corner will help you choose your next partner that will help you address any/all/more of the above items and help you thrive in your life more than you possibly could imagine.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904165432182696354.post-84139435610415105012016-02-05T22:11:00.001-08:002016-02-05T22:11:21.817-08:00Affinity for BalletI have always been fascinated by this beautiful graceful world of ballet. At and early age, I told my mom I wanted to dance and took ballet lessons, but didn't stick with them. I don't really remember why I stopped, as I was about 6 I think when I tried it. As I got older, I continued my love for ballet and would read books about it. I remember getting a book about professional ballet dancers from my parents or family member and I wore that book out. I had a poster of a ballerina that was on my wall for years, at home and at college. Today, I am a season ticket holder to America's oldest ballet company - the San Francisco Ballet and I enjoy each and every performance. I've been to some dancer q/a that they offer after the performances and find it fascinating to hear the dancers talk about their work.<br />
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Tonight I found a documentary series produced by Sarah Jessica Parker that I didn't know existed. I also didn't know that she also had an affinity for ballet. I'm excited to watch the series :)<br />
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<a href="http://www.studio360.org/story/sideshow-sarah-jessica-parkers-documentary-series-new-york-city-ballet-returns/" target="_blank">http://www.studio360.org/story/sideshow-sarah-jessica-parkers-documentary-series-new-york-city-ballet-returns/</a><br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904165432182696354.post-63368882158214207632016-01-29T22:33:00.006-08:002016-01-29T22:33:55.804-08:00Challenging self talk<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">From birth, our minds are busy building connections, telling our body what to do, identifying and classifying, storing all this data that it is receiving and interpreting into the depths. As we grow older, we don't recognize it yet, but we are actually seeing cause and effect and by extension storing assumptions or connections associated with actions or events that we have seen. We may not be actually aware we are doing it, but our minds are wired to do this automatically so we really don't have to "do" anything for this to occur. Every day, every moment of our lives is taken in and then recorded into our brains. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Along the way we form "beliefs" about people, places, events, objects and all that is around us. Often we don't even realize these beliefs have been formed. These beliefs start to drive our behavior. For example, if I believe that all flowers give me allergies because I sneezed a lot near a lilly, I might assume that flowers only bring me pain and miserable feelings because I'm already associating flowers with my terrible allergies and I hate how they make me feel. I may not realize that I'm only allergic to lillies and not roses, and therefore missing out on the beautiful and fragrant roses because of my ingrained belief. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These "beliefs" we have formed also feed the internal self talk running through our minds all the time, and without even thinking we are searing deeper these thoughts/beliefs into our little highways in our brain. Over time, these little highways become super fast autobahns because they are really well paved and unobstructed. We become on autopilot with some thoughts because they are flying through our brain so fast and so often we don't realize it's happening. All along, our brain has been bringing in data, storing it and forming "beliefs" based on simple connections we have witnessed. There was no fact checking this information before it's stored and repeated over and over internally. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What happens when that "belief" is actually completely fabricated and untrue? How do you know this? Sometimes it's because someone tells you or you learn it in school, or sometimes it's because you recognize it on your own. Of course, often though these "beliefs" don't automatically get challenged each and every day, so we keep repeating the thoughts, behavior and decisions. Fortunately, it is possible to disrupt this routine and redirect the flow to a new factual highway that can change everything through changing the way we are talking to ourselves. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This psychologist, Dr. Helmstetter, got interested in this phenomenon many years ago and decided he would try to see how well it worked himself. He was struggling with his weight, and chose to create some new self talk. He spent months creating a new series of self talk and recorded it onto tapes. Each morning, when he was getting ready, he would play the tapes in the background. In 10 1/2 weeks he lost over 35 pounds - doing nothing more than listening to these self talk tapes in the background. What's more incredible, his wife also lost over 20 pounds - and she wasn't trying to lose weight! He went on to write a book and create a whole program around changing self talk with great success.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One way we can treat ourselves better is through challenging our "beliefs" that are holding us back. The most efficient and lasting way to do that is to build new superhighways in our brain so that we don't fall back to our old ways over and over again, and changing our self talk can do that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To check out more about Dr. Helmstetter...</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">http://shadhelmstetter.com/</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The book I reference in this post:</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Amazon - <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708821/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454135517&sr=8-1&keywords=what+to+say+when+you+talk+to+yourself" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/What-Say-When-Talk-Yourself/dp/0671708821/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454135517&sr=8-1&keywords=what+to+say+when+you+talk+to+yourself</a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">eBay - <a href="http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_from=R40&_trksid=p2050601.m570.l1311.R1.TR3.TRC2.A0.H1.Xwhat+to+say+when+you+talk+.TRS0&_nkw=what+to+say+when+you+talk+to+yourself&_sacat=0" target="_blank">http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_from=R40&_trksid=p2050601.m570.l1311.R1.TR3.TRC2.A0.H1.Xwhat+to+say+when+you+talk+.TRS0&_nkw=what+to+say+when+you+talk+to+yourself&_sacat=0</a></span></li>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904165432182696354.post-5150207589017446332016-01-28T00:16:00.002-08:002016-01-28T22:38:56.984-08:00The cup theory<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Years ago, I learned about this self and relationship theory from a really great teacher in San Diego. I resonated with it so much, I share it as much as possible; and today I'll share it with you. Perhaps you will find it as helpful as I have.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Imagine you have a cup with you at all times. It's part of you. And you fill that cup each time you make yourself smile inside or out. These actions that you do have nothing to do with taking from anyone, they are things that you do that simply make your heart feel good or make you feel giddy with joy almost like a little kid. They are taking care of your needs. When you were a kid you did them all the time, without thinking about it. As a kid it might have been running around the yard, playing a game, singing, riding a bike. As you got older, the list got larger, with things like taking a nice candlelit bath, watching sports, hanging out with friends, volunteering, sitting next to your dog, playing with a child or children, reading a book, going to the library... you get the idea. Each time you do one of the million things that make you smile (inside or out), you fill that cup up. When your cup is full, you feel like a zillion bucks - on top of the world, or maybe just really content and happy. Now imagine that everyone has their own cup just like you do, and everything they do that makes themselves smile inside or out fills up their cup. Each and every person has their very own cup and it may be full or not so full. Let's call this the "me cup".</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When two people enter into a relationship - regardless of the type of relationship - a new empty cup appears magically between them. I'll call this the "relationship cup". Now this cup gets full by one of two ways: </span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Either or both of the partners in the relationship deposit into it by doing things that fulfill both . These things might be a different for each type of relationship, as well as the people in the relationship... some ideas might be spending quality time together like going out together for a walk, a long conversation, sharing a laugh; telling each other how much they appreciate each other or offer affirmations to each other; holding hands, cuddling or making love; giving gifts to each other, doing something out for the other like getting the dry cleaning or the dishes... you can go on from here with your own ideas. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The overflow from either person's "me cup".</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When one partner's "me cup" is not full and they are not continuing to do things to fill it up, many times they look to their partner to do things for them to fill it up for them. How their partner does that is by giving to the other person and taking away from themselves. Many people do this without realizing it. I can recall an instance in my own life where I did this; I was bending over backwards trying to cheer up my partner, doing things that will please them and ignoring my own needs until I depleted my own cup and then in turn looked to my partner to help me out and fill my "me cup", but because they weren't filling their own up they were looking to me to fill theirs up. It became a downward spiral really quickly and neither one of us had a clue why it was happening or how to fix it. Each side felt like the other didn't care enough and there were hurt feelings and distance put between us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Once I learned about this idea, I decided that from then on, I was going to take responsibility for my own "me cup", ensuring it was filled up as often as possible, and when I was having trouble filling it up (we all have those days), I looked for motivation from all kinds of places to jump start myself into doing it again rather than looking to someone else to do it for me. It empowered me to take charge of my own needs and reminded me that only I am responsible for taking care of me. That doesn't mean that other people can't do things to take care of me or be nurturing towards me, it just means that I don't expect them to give me everything I need because I take responsibility for my basic needs first, and when they give and nurture - it's received even more warmly by me because I'm not starving or terribly thirsty for it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When each side takes responsibility for filling their "me cup" and putting into the "relationship cup", the result can be very fulfilling and happy relationship for all sides. When one side relies on the other to fill their "me cup", the "relationship cup" isn't getting filled up; and if left empty too long distance or break ups often follow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">As with most things, this comes easier with each and every time it's practiced. Over time, it can become second nature and add to each partner's self awareness - both of which always improves relationships.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904165432182696354.post-32777176600214519642016-01-25T21:07:00.002-08:002016-01-29T11:24:59.776-08:00Thoughts on "Trust" and relationships<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A friend and I were talking about what we each believed is the most important element in a relationship, and we both agreed that trust was that essential component to a strong relationship - no matter what type of relationship it is. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We expanded that discussion just a little bit and talked about what that means to each of us in a relationship, about faithfulness and honoring each other. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Since that conversation, this topic has swirled in my mind - begging me to write more about it. I thought about it for weeks, reviewing my own thoughts and feelings about trust and conversations with others about trust over the years. The common denominator that I was finding was that lots of people have different definitions of what trust is. The word trust is one of those words that carry such a heavy meaning to it yet when really challenged to define it, most of us are not able to find the words. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Years ago I heard the infamous Dr. Phil saying that "Trust is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections". Sure, if I cannot handle the fact that you are a human and will likely mess up with me at some point in our relationship, I could diminish my trust in you. But this didn't help me get to the root of what trust is. What does it mean to trust myself? What does it mean to trust another person?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If you ask a seven year old kid, you will likely hear something like "I can tell Joey about my secret and no one else will know." If you ask an adult you might hear something more along the lines of "I know that Daisy will not break my curfew rule and will be home by 10pm tonight", or "I believe my husband will not lead that beautiful woman on that is sitting across from us flirting with him" or maybe "I know that this person is going to obey the red light they have as I go through my green light". As I thought about it more, I could think of so many different examples of trust that expanded the answer to what it means to trust myself or others. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Remember the old saying that "trust is earned not freely given"? Repetition of actions over time that help prove to another that trust is there. Trust really was a word that isn't easily explained and definitely needed more context.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I looked up the word in the dictionary and didn't find a good clear answer as to what trust is. So I took the next logical step. I googled it, and found more than 976 million hits - many with different answers. Then, I decided to go see what one of my favorite relationship researcher says about the topic, Brené Brown.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">From Bren</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">é'</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">s perspective, trust is such a big word that we need to break it down in order to understand the components and identify what part of the trust is broken when we feel like our trust is broken. Yes! Her definition was exactly what I was looking for. And it also brought up some interesting self-reflection that I needed to face (more on that later).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Bren</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">é</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> explains trust as having seven dimensions, and she brought them all together in a very nice tight acronym: BRAVING. Her book "Rising Strong" defined it very clearly (the below is directly taken from her book):</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 27.2px;">B – Boundaries</span><span style="line-height: 27.2px;">. You respect my boundaries and when you are not clear about what’s OK and what’s not OK, you ask. You are willing to say no.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 27.2px;">R – Reliability.</span><span style="line-height: 27.2px;"> </span><span style="line-height: 27.2px;"> You do what you say you’ll do. At work this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so that you don’t over-promise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 27.2px;">A – Accountability.</span><span style="line-height: 27.2px;"> </span><span style="line-height: 27.2px;"> You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 27.2px;">V – Vault.</span><span style="line-height: 27.2px;"> </span><span style="line-height: 27.2px;"> You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept and that you are not sharing with me information about other people that should be confidential.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 27.2px;">I – Integrity.</span><span style="line-height: 27.2px;"> </span><span style="line-height: 27.2px;"> You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 27.2px;">N – Non-judgment.</span><span style="line-height: 27.2px;"> I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 27.2px;">G – Generosity.</span><span style="line-height: 27.2px;"> </span><span style="line-height: 27.2px;"> You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words and actions of others.</span></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">This acronym applies to self trust as well as trust for others. It bears repeating that of course, if there is no self trust there is no trust for others, and if there is partial self trust there is partial trust for others, further clarification of Dr. Phil's quote above. Finally, a clear concise breakdown, providing me language I can use when I am feeling distrustful. I can more discretely explain what is not working so that it can be zeroed in on and addressed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I mentioned earlier that this multi-dimensioned definition brought up some self-reflection. I started thinking about my own behavior towards various people I have had relationships with and myself in the past, and I recognized some areas where I am not as consistent as I'd like to think. All part of yet another level of self-improvement for me. Luckily, I'm armed with a more defined list of components to have better conversations with myself and the people in my life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In case you'd like to see the video of her talk: <a href="http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust/" target="_blank">http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust/</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A link to her book: </span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">eBay - </span><a href="http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_odkw=rising+strong+by+bene+brown&_osacat=0&_from=R40&_trksid=p2045573.m570.l1313.TR0.TRC0.H0.Xbrene+brown+rising+strong.TRS0&_nkw=brene+brown+rising+strong&_sacat=0" style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;" target="_blank">http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_odkw=rising+strong+by+bene+brown&_osacat=0&_from=R40&_trksid=p2045573.m570.l1313.TR0.TRC0.H0.Xbrene+brown+rising+strong.TRS0&_nkw=brene+brown+rising+strong&_sacat=0</a></li>
<li><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">Amazon - </span><a href="https://read.amazon.com/kp/embed?asin=B00P5557G2&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_r2VPwb0VQ4DFP" style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;" target="_blank">https://read.amazon.com/kp/embed?asin=B00P5557G2&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_r2VPwb0VQ4DFP</a></li>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904165432182696354.post-38199722396206738242016-01-24T02:38:00.002-08:002016-01-25T22:40:35.144-08:00Firsts....<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've been thinking about my firsts so far in my life, and how I remember them. Whether I remember them in detail, with feeling or as a movie lodged in my head, each and every first has always been special and will continue to have a special place in my heart.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My first bike was a beautiful magenta pink with white handlebars and streamers that came out of the ends of the handlebars. It had a white banana seat and a white basket with magenta flowers on the front of it. Oh how I adored that bike. I lived in one of the world's worst places to have a bicycle as I was in the middle of the country on a dirt/gravel road; yet it didn't stop me from wanting to ride my bike everywhere. Sadly, my love affair with my beautiful bike was short lived as not too long after I got the bike I left it in the driveway and my grandfather ran over it with his tractor. I was utterly devastated. It was so incredibly awful to see my beautiful shiny bike completely mangled without a chance of fixing. I don't recall who got me the replacement bike, but it absolutely didn't have any of the gorgeous details that my original bike had. I have never forgotten that magenta bike and how much I loved it. I never left my bike out to get ran over again though :)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My first computer was a Commodore 64 and was given to me on my 12th birthday I believe. That computer was a keyboard and computer in one, and would hook into your television for a monitor. I spent hours on that thing with my Commodore computer magazine, creating programs to push graphics around on the screen, make games or simple number programs. That computer came about after the first time I ever saw a computer and really used one, in computer camp at EOU. I have no idea what gave me the idea to go to the camp, but I know that once I went, I was hooked on computers forever. I still have my notes from that first camp.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My first cross-country travel was with my mother, siblings and grandmother to North Carolina to see all of my grandmother's family. It was on my 13th birthday I think, and the air traffic controllers were on strike. We almost didn't get to go. That trip also had some other firsts - the first time I ever had moon pies (which were delicious), North Carolina style green beans and my first pair of heels given to me by my Aunt Arlee.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My first job was as a babysitter for the neighbor kids down the lane about a 1/4 mile. I used to walk over there and watch them in the mornings and catch the bus with them to go to school.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My first kiss was with this boy that was a couple of years older the summer of my Freshman year in High School. I remember that he seemed to come out of nowhere when I was volunteering at the local Stock Show Rodeo and Horse Races event in my hometown that year. I don't recall exactly how he started the conversation or where we were when we first started hanging out - but I do remember he asked me to come up to the grandstands and sit with him while the horse races were going on, and I did... and he held my hand for the first time up there. I remember being a little surprised but really excited that this cute boy was holding my hand. Later that day I think it was, we were near some hay bales by the animals in the 4-H area, and he leaned in for my first kiss. I wasn't sure whether to keep my eyes open or closed, so I kept them open at first, only to see my sister hiding behind a hay bale behind him. After I saw her I forced my eyes closed and ignored her. I had no idea what I was doing or what I should do - he never said anything about that first kiss, but kept kissing me all summer long so I guess I wasn't totally awful.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My first formal dance was my Junior year at prom - my best friend's prom in a nearby town. I wore a southern belle type dress that was a seafoam blue-green color, and baby's breath in my hair. We had such a fun time dancing all night long. It was a perfect night without any expectations or pressure since I went with my best friend. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My first real job not babysitting was with the Oregon Department of Social Services, I worked in the Welfare office as an assistant. I learned so much about people that summer watching all the social workers and the people seeking assistance.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My first car was my parent's Blue Toyota Celica. I remember the very first day I got my license I was driving that car around with a couple of my friends and we saw my first boyfriend. We drove around and I thought we were playing cat and mouse until he finally got me to pull over and I learned I had a flat tire, he was trying to get me to stop so that he could tell me I had a flat tire. I was so embarrassed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My first year of college was such a mix of emotions. The beginning of the year I was so excited and high on life - I was making my own way in a town that didn't know me or my family and my school & dorm had all these new people and experiences just waiting for me. I heard music I had never heard before, I made friends that knew me as I was, no presuppositions there. I broke up with my high school sweetheart 1/2 way through the year after he cheated on me at Christmas, and had my first college boyfriend not too long after. I lived away from home for the first time, and I felt so happy studying computers at this big school far far away from my hometown. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My first marriage was with my high school sweetheart, he came back into my life after my second year of college and I married him. We had a beautiful wedding, me in a gorgeous satin gown with a sweetheart neckline and the day was freezing cold December; full of snow and ice. I remember my dad and I standing behind the doors to go down the isle and he looked at me and said "We can always go fishin'". Our honeymoon was the local "super 8 motel" and we went through the infamous "Nels In and Out" in our wedding finery on the way to the honeymoon. We stayed married for not quite 7 years total. My first divorce was a little dragged out, as he didn't really want to take the time to get the paperwork done but we completed it without a court fight or arguing over the custody of the kids. I am eternally grateful that we were able to handle it civilly and without incident.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My first child was born when I was only 21 years old, she was a tiny little thing. She was born early in the morning around 5:30am and had a tooth when she was born. I never got to see the tooth because the Dr. removed it not long after she was born and threw it away. She was a perfect little baby girl.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My first degree after high school I got almost exactly 10 years to the day that I graduated high school. I was so proud of myself for getting that degree despite my challenges on my own with two kids and job to juggle. I remember the graduation was very long and in the SDSU Cox Arena gym with big screens showing us as we walked in and across the stage. My youngest daughter apparently was yelling "hoochie mama" at me as she saw me get my degree on the big screen.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have had thousands upon thousands of little firsts in my life that were either delightful, playful, joyful, wistful or devastating. I feel like each and every day presents me with thousands more little and big firsts to experience and add to this list. When I think about it, each and every experience can be thought of as a first if you look at it from the perspective that the now is the first now you'll ever see in your lifetime.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">xo</span><br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904165432182696354.post-42831595443875255242015-11-18T00:24:00.007-08:002016-01-25T22:41:21.120-08:00Masculine / Feminine<div class="clearfix" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16.08px; zoom: 1;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 20px;">I believe there are two primary sources of energy within us - Masculine and Feminine. Marianne Williamson said "A man 'majors' in Masculine and 'minors' in Feminine, conversely, a woman 'majors' in Feminine and 'minors' in Masculine." This allows us to understand each other to an extent, but more importantly, because of our polarity, allows our energies to be pulled together in an extraordinary way, both physically and mentally, while connecting at a spiritual degree which brings us to new heights and depths which are difficult to express in words. </span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When a man and woman come together authentically and with a strong pull to each other, their energies seem to build around each other, enter-twining and ultimately creating a connection that is full of great passion and intense love. Their polarities pull them together even more, inciting them to explode their desire, transforming into more sensuous, lascivious and passion for each other as they allow themselves to fully trust into themselves and each other, resting in their own authentic beings while expanding into the magic of their union. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I went to see a movie today which awakened my heart to a new level. As I began to let go and allow my heart to expand and grow, I was made aware of my own divine beauty and depth. I recognized how I am truly a deeply loving woman who's heart and soul is filled to the brim and overflows to those I care about, meandering it's way through and between all the amazing wonderful people in my life, touching their souls and gaining energy through their love as well. I can feel my heart opening more and more, yearning for my divine counterpart, the masculine who sees and feels the depth and breadth of who I am. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He dances with my energy, allows it to breathe and live and encourages me to be more authentic and loving and open and passionate. He provides the space in which I need to be, standing confident and strong, holding me with tenderness and warmth. He devours my body, mind and soul as he ravishes me, taking me as his because we are deeply connected. He is able to open himself to be more passionate, more understanding, more giving and more loving to himself overflowing to his divine feminine, me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We build a foundation of trust borne out of authentic living, allowing each other to be exactly who we are and truly honoring the intelligence, witnessing the beauty and encouraging the growth of our beings, connecting in a profound way. He may not always understand my eternal optimism, boundless need to forgive, learn, expand, grow and love others in many capacities - yet he does always honor it all as he honors the authentic me. Conversely, I may not always understand him, but will always honor who he is as well.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I do want a man who is able to open himself in ways he's never done with another. Able to let down his guard and be himself in all ways in front of me. Who can allow me to be completely and utterly me, no excuses, no disapproval, no pressure to be any different. He accepts me for exactly who I am, even the parts of me he's not fond of.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> I want a man who wants to create a relationship unlike he's never had before. Something passionate, deep and beautiful. Sensual, adventurous, intellectual, encouraging and highly sexual. We are able to express our feelings without judgement and with total freedom. We figure out ways to communicate the tough stuff, and are absolutely into each other without any apologies.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> If he can see me for who I am in front of him, not anyone else - and allow himself to be inspired to live and love in a big way - no apologies, he might just be the man of my dreams.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-<span style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 16.08px;">Originally posted </span><a class="uiLinkSubtle" href="https://www.facebook.com/notes/heather-gray/masculine-feminine/10151530207399408" style="color: #9197a3; cursor: pointer; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16.08px; text-decoration: none;">November 17, 2012 at 12:19am</a></span><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904165432182696354.post-60977935520720897792013-10-23T01:31:00.000-07:002016-01-25T22:41:07.872-08:00Anis & Me<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” ~ Anais Nin </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I read this quote I immediately identified with what she was saying. I was elated someone had eloquently written what was in my heart, my head, my mind, my body. It was as if she was speaking for me. I love every word. As an independent woman, I resist the word "dominate" because I do not want to simply be a man's slave and completely mold myself to his whim and become his puppy dog. I don't want to give him full power over my thoughts, feelings, desires and needs 24/7. To me that is allowing myself to be a "stepford wife" or a "robot" and I'm not cut out to be those things. The idea that I would live only for a man to tell me what to do and when to do it as well as how makes me feel less of a human somehow, and I don't think I was made to do that. I do, however, know I want to be owned. I want to be someone's woman - to be his and his alone, for him to know I want to be a part of his life as well as I want him to be a part of mine. I would not be his property and he would not have full control over every part of me. I have no desire to be a slave, but I do have every desire to feel like I've found the man who I belong to. The man who I know without a doubt I was made to be with, and he feels the same about me. We belong together, with each other and for each other in a sacred yin/yang sort of way. We would be meant to be together. We would both feel it and truly be ready for such a deep profound relationship that is long term.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I want my partner for the rest of my life. I so very much want that. How I've longed to find the man who can understand my desires, my needs and my love. Who is open to receiving all of what I have to give. My heart, passion, friendship, sexuality and gifts I possess. Who wishes to connect with me with full vulnerability, allowing himself to be seen as no one else has seen him before - as well as allowing me to be seen in all that I am and all that I'm not. He would see my beauty in all layers - even those parts he may not be as fond of. We would be able to become closer than either of us had ever been with any of our exes in our lives. We would be able to communicate in a healthy way, assisting each other with challenges along the way. We would support each other and be there for each other. We would play and ensure the other knows how important he/she is to them. No need to hold back what we really want to say because both of us have created a safety zone between the two of us that is fully trusted.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There are no rules, just the ones we make up for ourselves. We support each other fully and completely, even when it gets challenging. We both understand that the other is always changing, always evolving and that's part of the journey. There will constantly be new things to discover about ourselves as well as each other. I have found in my life I have fallen in love with myself over and over by these discoveries and I know it's possible with someone else. Not everything is perfect - but to me perfection exists within the imperfections. It's not good, nor bad - right nor wrong. Just is.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When people can fully accept each other with fully open eyes and able to see the other's full self, beautiful relationships evolve. That's what I wish to have. The man I want in my life is confident and strong, able to swoop me in his arms and show me he's going to protect, care for and love me like I've never experienced before - in a healthy way. He is sensitive and not shy about that. He is able to show me how he feels about me and he isn't just in lust with me. He treats me like a queen and honestly is my king. He wants to fully be a part of my life and have me in his. And sexually... oh sexually I want everything Anais said. I want to be dominated, taken, ravished, devoured by him, when he wishes (which hopefully would coincide with mine - alot :) ). I want to be fully open to him and feel safe he will only bring me pleasure. I want to give to him as his woman, as he wishes, feeling completely free that he does not think less of me when I allow myself to be his slut. His raw sexuality mixes with mine and we have smoldering hot sex that extends beyond the traditional.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He would listen to my deepest darkest ideas, fetishes and desires and wish to make them a reality. If there is something I really wanted that he's not comfortable giving, we would be able to talk about it and come up with something. It would go both ways. We would allow the other to feel free to unleash our sexual selves. All of these things I want. I know it takes time to get there. It doesn't happen overnight. But to me, it is so very worth every second of time getting there :)</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0